My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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