Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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