who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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