i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
