so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
