Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize