i think my tv is drunk
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
