Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
