everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
