I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
