i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
