I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Two words: nipple clamps
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