My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
