I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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