I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
