She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
