I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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