Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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