After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Two words: blizzard sex
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
