and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
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i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
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He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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