ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
