the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
