i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
