im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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