Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
