I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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