Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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