so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
