she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
