i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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