I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
