I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
