You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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