My cat gives me a boner
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
