Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
