i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
