I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
