i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
