Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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