I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm really busy with my period
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