I wish life had little blips of pornography
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
