ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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