alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
