if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize