Sry I called you an 8
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
