Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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