dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
