i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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