you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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