I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
