I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
