Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
