Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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