yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
