last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
