i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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