K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
